Dear Annalisa

My husband and I are in our early 60s. We have been married for more than 30 years and are quite happy together, other than having had a range of family issues to deal with. Our sex life has dwindled, but we are still very affectionate.

The other night I went into my husband’s study unexpectedly and he seemed to be looking at pictures of naked women on his computer. I made no comment because there was an urgent matter requiring attention and we hurried away to attend to it. I think he believes that I didn’t see the screen.

I was shocked and wondered if I had imagined it. It seemed so out of character – he is a highly respectable, scholarly person, not inclined to tackiness. I checked his laptop a few days later – mainly to reassure myself that I had imagined it, or that they were paintings or something (he is an art fan). However, the history for that date was deleted, which was suspicious in itself. I located it in the system files and discovered he had been on a range of pornographic sites.

I am deeply, deeply upset by this. I am not prudish – it is not the pornography that I object to, but rather that I am so shocked by discovering this hidden side of his character. Am I overreacting?

It is always shocking when we discover another side to someone’s character, and the closer we are to that person, and the more incongruous the information we find out seems, the more shocking the discovery can be. Your husband would probably be shocked, and then impressed (as am I) at your ability to find deleted files on a computer.

Psychotherapist Laura Payne (psychotherapy.org.uk), says: “You’re shocked and unhappy, but there’s also a lot else going on that’s unspoken.”

She also thinks that your use of the word “quite” in describing your relationship as “quite happy” was interesting.

Neither is this about judging your husband for viewing pornography, any more than you would be judged for it. Rather, as Payne says: “In the end, this is about trust and communication.”

Payne says you should discuss what you saw with your husband. “If you don’t, it will niggle away and you’ll get angrier, until it comes out later in some way,” she says. She suggests saying something like: “I saw you looking at pictures of naked women. I don’t mind [if you really don’t, but if you do, say so].” Then, bring up your sex life. You could ask your husband if he is happy not having (much) sex any more and tell him how you feel about it (it is a two-way thing). Also, although many couples in their 60s and beyond have active sex lives, some struggle with physical issues that might make sex trickier. This can affect their sense of identity.

Are there other factors in your lives (you mention “a range of family issues”) that meant you haven’t concentrated on – or connected with – each other as a couple for a while?

Payne also wonders whether your husband deleted these images not because he wants to hide things from you per se, but because he feels “ashamed and embarrassed and doesn’t want to hurt you”.

You ask if you are overreacting and the simple answer is no. You are allowed to react. But look carefully at what it is you are really reacting to. Pornography use is an easy target for (some) people to get inflamed about, but it can be a smoke screen, it can be easy to get upset about it, but not look at where the roots of the upset really lie. Talking generally, catching a partner looking at pornography may give that person the moral high ground, but it makes proper analytical discussion difficult if one part of the couple feels defensive.

You have been married for 30 years, you may be married for 30 more. You may need, Payne suggests, to “redefine your relationship”. “Have you and your husband,” she asks, “discussed what it’s like to be a couple in your 60s?”

Perhaps you are both stuck in a rut. Once the shock has subsided, I wonder if this is an opportunity to move things forward – together, positively – in your relationship.