I want to celebrate my 50th – but my friends can’t stand each other
Dear Annalisa,
I turn 50 this year and I don’t know how to manage marking the milestone when I have a number of really close friends who do not get along with each other. There is no way they could spend time together in the same space. One couple has generously and enthusiastically offered me a few days away at their holiday house, which would allow a small number of friends to celebrate my birthday together. But it would exclude some other very good, and old, friends, who under normal circumstances I would be with.
The friend whose house it is has even suggested one couple could stay in a hotel nearby because they don’t want them to stay with us in the house. I’m sure they will be offended by that.
For my 40th birthday I went away with my partner but a friend threw an impromptu party at their house for me a couple of days before we set off, for anyone who wanted to join us. She has subsequently moved away and since then various people have fallen out with one another.
I don’t know what to do as I can’t do one thing with everyone and I’m heading for a really miserable birthday where I end up offending people by excluding them.
It’s a shame that, if a big party is what you really want, you can’t have it; it would be great if you didn’t feel responsible for everyone getting on, and instead your friends could co-party for your sake. At big gatherings, people tend to form smaller groups anyway, so there’s plenty of scope for not having to mix with people you don’t want to (this is largely how families get along at weddings!). But I realise that’s not an option for you.
“Clearly,” said psychotherapist Chris Mills, “the thought of having a party seems a no-win for you. Even if you did have a party and all your friends agreed to come, it sounds like you’d be on tenterhooks in case an argument broke out or friends fell out. And even if you invited only those that get on, the friends who aren’t invited would be offended.”
Although you can do this at any age, a milestone such as being 50 is an excellent opportunity to “spread the celebrations out” suggested Mills. “You could have lots of smaller celebrations throughout the year, with groups of people who do get on. It could be a picnic with one group, a weekend away with another (and you could avoid the more expensive school holidays which I know in your longer letter you were worried about as your birthday falls then). You avoid the fear of fights breaking out and you get to prolong your birthday.”
Although you can do this at any age, a milestone such as being 50 is an excellent opportunity to “spread the celebrations out” suggested Mills. “You could have lots of smaller celebrations throughout the year, with groups of people who do get on. It could be a picnic with one group, a weekend away with another (and you could avoid the more expensive school holidays which I know in your longer letter you were worried about as your birthday falls then). You avoid the fear of fights breaking out and you get to prolong your birthday.”
“You could structure the meeting according to how you know the people,” suggested Mills, “because by the time we’ve got to 50, chances are we know people from very different areas of life.” (And geographically.) So you could take up your friend’s offer of their holiday home, but for a smaller group. It’s hard for people to stay offended – unless they really want to – if they know you’re meeting up with them at a different time.
You might also want to look up Walter Green, an American philanthropist and author. When he turned 70 he spent a year visiting his 44 closest friends and telling them what they had meant to him.
You sound like a very thoughtful, sensitive person. It’s a shame you can’t have all your friends together at once, but I think having lots of smaller celebrations would actually make you feel more … celebrated. And that’s entirely right for a 50th birthday.
This article originally appeared in The Guardian on 8th March 2024.
Annalisa Barbieri 